Here are some funnies that I find "clean" enough for the general audience, yet with sufficient punch.
Now here's a man who understands women...
I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men.
They are far superior and always have been.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!
(William Golding, British Novelist, Playwright & Poet, 1911-1993)
One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for a secret,
Never to be told.
Here are some new units for solving problems that don't work using the old ones.
(from someones e-mail)
The following story will demonstrate why you should be careful when wrapping and mailing parcels; especially personal items.
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic, ...but not too personal! Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the sale clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the package with the gloves and the young man the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Pieter Jan Doedelzak
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
(source: some office e-mail)
These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (military officers performance appraisals):
(from someone's e-mail)
I've gone to look for myself.
If I should return before I get back,
Please ask me to wait!
Did you know that Sophie Dahl, granddaughter of Roald Dahl, is now the official new fashion model with her cup size DD. This ends the era of the skinny Kate Moss.
(source: De Telegraaf)
This is a story about four people named, Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
En de Heere, Hij zag hoe wij werkten,
En Hij zag wat wij deden,
En Hij zag ons salaris,
En Hij draaide zich om,
En Hij weende zacht!
(And the Lord, He saw how we were working,
And He saw what we were doing,
And He saw our salaries,
And He turned around,
And He wept softly!)
There are three ways to ruin a company:
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